Gone Fishing, Rated R

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by JIM, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."

    The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"

    "Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

    "Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"

    "Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a bl*w job.... or Three, you take it up the a$$!"

    The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

    "I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

    The wife sits and thinks about it.

    A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, B*** JOB, or A**

    The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a **** job!"

    "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes sh*tty and stuff!"
    "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
     
  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
    He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
    Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
    He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
    The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
    The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
    When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
    After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
     
  3. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
    "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
    "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
     
  4. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Take Careful Aim
    A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
    The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
    The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
    "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
    "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
    The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's **** off."
    The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
     
  5. AlphaAlex

    AlphaAlex Official Forum Nuisance

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    hahaha nice
     
  6. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    Great jokes ;)
     
  7. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

    He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

    "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

    "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

    "Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

    "You know I don't have a date, sis’."

    "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

    Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

    The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.

    Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

    At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

    "Hey, brother, let's dance."

    He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

    "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

    "Oh... all right."

    So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

    In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

    He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

    "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

    He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

    "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

    "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us... How long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

    So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

    "Hey, why don't you kiss me?" she says.

    "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

    She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

    "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

    "You know what," his sister replied.

    "I can't do that with you, you're my..." His voice trailed off.

    While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

    "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
     
  8. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Okay, that was gross.

    The Treachurous Toilet Trio

    So a man is in a restaurant when he realizes that he really has to go to the bathroom. So he heads toward the unisex bathroom.

    Upon reaching the bathroom, he encounters a bathroom attendant. "Greetings, sir," the attendant says.

    "Hi there, may I please use the bathroom?" the man says.
    "Gladly. We have a wooden toilet, a glass toilet and a..."
    "YOU DIRTY MOTHER****ER!"
    Another man comes out of the bathroom, holding his rear and cussing like a rap singer.
    "Your ****ing wooden toilet is ****ing covered in ****ing splinters, which got stuck up my ***hole!"
    The other man begins to leave, then turns back, flips the attendant off, screeches "MOTHER****ER!", then leaves.
    "Okay," the attendant said. "Our wooden toilet is now out of order, so you have a pick of either the glass toilet or the..."
    "YEOWCH!"
    Another man comes out rubbing his backside.
    "Sorry, but when I sat down on your glass toilet, it exploded and I got glass up my rump."
    The other other man starts to leave, then turns back, says "Again, so sorry," and leaves.
    "Al-righty then, sir," the attendant says to the man, "We have but one toilet that work now, and that would be the singing toilet."
    "Okay," the man says.
    The man walks into the third stall, where he sees a normal-looking toilet. He closes the door and drops his trousers, then sits down and is just starting to do his buisness when a squeaky little singing voice comes up from beneath him.
    "Suppertime, yes, it's suppertime, oh, its sup-sup-suppertime, very best time of day...."
     
  9. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    heh

    I'd heard the brother and sister one back in primary
     
  10. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Okay, I found this one online...

    There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

    The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

    So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

    Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
     
  11. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    She wanted to have sex but was scared to ask her husband?
     
  12. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    I guess so.
     
  13. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    A man graduated from uni, and decided to have a plaque describing his job on his door.
    But the writing was a little too big.
    This is what the plaque read:

    Psycho
    The
    Rapist