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Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by JIM, Jan 27, 2013.

  1. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

    The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
     
  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
     
  3. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
    The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
    The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
     
  4. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
    ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
    The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
    ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
     
  5. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
     
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