First appearance of Miirzä (main character of saga)

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Midnattblod, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. Midnattblod

    Midnattblod Ranger of Shadow

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    ok to start off I just want to say I am completely into constructive criticism. anything you can say or think up that can help me out is greatly appreciated. this excerpt is from what will hopefully be the first book in my Saga. it probably will be about 2/3 of the way into the book and some characters in the excerpt are obviously from either the beginning or some point between. the first book follows the adventure of three Wolken (halflings) as they travel to distant lands and find turmoil everywhere they go. so without further ado I present to you this little excerpt.

    As the day drew to an end, Twill thought he heard the sound of water tumbling by. "I say, is that a stream I hear?" he asked the Elfess.
    Faelith looked down at him and smiled. "It is Twill. There is a spring up ahead where we can camp and bathe."
    "Oh that would be wonderful," Rosee said, moving slightly faster.
    They walked on for about half a candlemark before they got to the spring. As they neared the final bend in the road, they could hear the gentle tumble of a small waterfall. As the spring came into view, the Wolken stopped, for there was already someone bathing in the crystalline water. A young woman was standing near the fall, singing in an alien language the Wolken have never heard before. a mix of soft growls and distinct syllables.
    She was the most beautiful woman any of the three had ever seen. Her skin was a light tan color, which confused the Wolken as this land has no sunlight. Her face was beautiful with a small, somewhat shallow nose. Her eyes were tilted slightly like the Elves the three Wolken had met in their travels. From where they were standing the could see her body had the softness of youth. her waist was small, flaring out at her hips, though she did seem to look well fed. Her hair was as black as the midnight sky of a new moon, and reached the mid of her back.
    Oh my, she has a tail, Rosee thought to herself. Indeed the young woman had a tail sprouting from the the lower region of her back, and ears like a wolf. Black as her hair was the fur on her tail and ears, and thick as though it were mid winter. Now that Rosee thought about it, it did feel as though it were winter in these northern lands, although it's midsummer in normal parts.
    Rosee caught a slight glimpse of her teeth as the girl sang. Wolf-like was her thought. Her face was a bit wolf-like now that she looked a bit closer. It took a couple seconds for the two males to realize the tail, and when Twill did, he let out a small gasp of surprise. Though it was no more then a whisper, the young woman pricked her ears up and plumped down into the water. She started scanning the surrounding area, searching for the source of the noise.
    Faelith smiled slightly and stepped forward. the trio following a bit more apprehensive. When the girl saw them, she stared as though trying to figure out their next move. When Faelith reached the edge of the pool, she spoke to the girl in the same language Rosee had heard from the singing. The girl nodded at whatever Faelith had said and the elfess turned toward the three halflings.
    "May I present Lords Twilliar Whittleman and Fridrick Holnger, as well as Lady Rosee Brandyhill of the Wolken homeland of Needlebrook," she said extending an arm towards them. the two males bowed and Rosee bobbed slightly.
    The young woman looked up at them for a few seconds, then her face broke out into a great smile and she said in a strangely accented voice, "I called Miirzä Midnattblod."

    for now that is all. I will probably continue with this excerpt at another time but yea. again I say constructive criticism is welcome. I hope to be able to make my writing better through time. I will also add that there were parts that when originally wrote were in this bit but I have decided to remove them because they were unnecessary. thank you for reading and thanks in advance for any help you send my way.
     
  2. Black Tattoo

    Black Tattoo The Corruptor

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    Enjoyable read thus far. A great way to introduce a character :)