Feedback?

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by TB Fitz, Mar 1, 2013.

  1. TB Fitz

    TB Fitz New Member

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    This is the first 20 pages or so of my most serious project. It's a fairly new work, but it's the one I think I'm gonna focus on primarily. It has been a bit difficult to put down the volume of words I would have liked to have written because I have no feedback on it, so any criticism or tips to improve it are greatly appreciated. It's a bit rough, there are some things I'm leaning towards changing, but I wanted to get some commentary before I started tearing it up. Thank you!

    View attachment TB book.doc
     
  2. Borra

    Borra New Member

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    It's really good, the battle scene was done well and the whole twist of Ryori being the spawn of a demon, I like it. Especially after everyone getting excited about him being a possible half-elf.

    I just think you need some more imagery, get a little descriptive, go into detail on emotions and be rich with the scenery and peoples descriptions. You focus a on height, if everything had as much focus as that it would be so much more rich. The story is good, you have to make the world good to. I haven't quite connected with Ryori yet, I'm not sure who he is, so maybe add a scene or two of him with his mother, and a few of his lessons. I want to know how much he has progressed since his mother has passed, I'm not exactly sure as to how much he has grown.

    Maybe talk about how he got his sword? I thought it was a shock - him having a sword, yet only a friend to the elves.

    I feel like up to this point in the plot you could have over 100 pages worth of stuff. I'm really interested to see where this goes though.

    It's pretty solid.