Facts about book 7!

Discussion in 'Books' started by Arch_Angel, Sep 23, 2005.

  1. Arch_Angel

    Arch_Angel New Member

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  2. Appaliq

    Appaliq No One

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    It's not going to come soon enough.
     
  3. Isaac29GT

    Isaac29GT Spawn of Skyanide

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    That didn't tell me very much that i already didn't know :S
     
  4. javelin98

    javelin98 does anyone read these?

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    Meh. I already figured out the storyline for the last book. Observe:


    Harry Potter and the Beating of the Dead Horse

    Dumbledore comes back from the dead. He was just faking Voldemort out.

    The new Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeur, is exposed as a Death Eater. The
    Wizarding public questions why a man with mixed French/Kentuckian heritage
    was ever allowed into a position of power at all.

    Ron and Hermione get together and make beautiful music. However, given Ron's
    general goober-ish appearance, Hermione finds that she has to learn some
    special spell that makes him even remotely eye-pleasing. The resulting sexual
    tension fills about a third of the book, including a hilarious segment where Ron
    asks Dobby the House Elf how to put on a prophylactic.

    Harry and Ginny get together, about two hours before Harry is hauled away to
    Azkaban for statutory rape. An inmate there warns Harry not to ever accept
    Lucius Malfoy's offer to show him his "magic wand".

    Things are looking grim, as the Death Eaters are killing/cursing everybody in sight
    and perpetrating other acts of infamy, including sinking all of Wales into the sea.
    Oddly, none of this makes the front pages of The Times, The Sun, the
    Daily Telegraph, or Reuters. Everyone knows that The Guardian is
    staffed by Death Eaters anyway.

    Ex-Professor Lupin springs Harry from Azkaban. Together they seek out Hagrid,
    who has finally admitted to his zoophilia problem. They seek shelter in the dark
    forest on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, where they find Filch's weed stash.

    Dumbledore finally makes his presence known, challenging Voldemort to single
    combat atop the highest tower at Hogwarts, for reasons that completely escape
    anyone with any sense whatsoever. Voldemort accepts, proving again that no
    supervillian with brains enough to conquer the world is smart enough to request
    a duel with Nerf swords in a padded room, with paramedics standing by.

    Rousing an army of forest denizens, Harry, Lupin, and Hagrid mount an assault
    on Hogwarts, which is now being overrun by Death Eaters. Wave after wave of
    giant spiders, moody centaurs, and Ewoks (cross-marketing at work!) storm the
    battlements, while Death Eaters rain fireballs and pain spells down upon them.
    The castle ghosts get together and kick some Dementor ass, including Peeves,
    who has a sudden bout of righteousness.

    Filch's cat gets eaten by a troll, and there is much rejoicing.

    Harry bursts onto the top of the tower where Voldemort is about to strike down
    Dumbledore. The Dark Lord curses him before he can do anything, however, and
    he goes down, struggling for breath, as Dumbledore is nearly fried by another
    spell. When suddenly, who bursts out of the stairway onto the too-damn-good-
    for-guard-rails top of the tower?

    Snape.

    Yes, he was leading the bad guys on after all. Snape rushes Voldemort and puts
    some serious pwnage on his ass, proving that he's not a latent homosexual after
    all, but can seriously put the smack-down on his former boss.

    Snape struggles with Voldie-baby until finally the two of them plunge over the side
    to die on the rocks below. Sadly, there are no giant eagles with Gandalf riding on
    them that show up to save Snape, but it's just as well. He had Issues, and the
    Hogwarts Human Resources Department is just as happy to see him go.

    Everyone's happy. The fangurlz are happy that Harry didn't end up with Asian
    Token Love Interest Cho Chang, Ron's happy he finally got some, and Hermione
    figures she can't do any better anyway, with her prissy attitude. Hagrid weds a
    giant weasel ("Aye, she's verra feminine, ya see"), Longbottom changes his last
    name to Diggler, Fred and George buy out NewsCorp in a settlement that
    includes Rupert Murdoch dancing for them in one of the "winged monkey" outfits
    from The Wizard of Oz, Mrs. Weasley puts a boot in Fleur Delacoeur's butt
    and sends her packing, and Professor McGonagall starts an S&M escort service.

    And, of course, Draco Malfoy. Draco is killed in a tragic swirlie-gone-horribly-
    wrong accident in the boy's room at the start of the school year. Crabbe and
    Goyle are arraigned as juveniles and sent to Azkaban Junior Corrections Facility
    for three years. Which means they'll be getting out just in time for...

    Harry Potter and The Auror Academy

    Look for it in bookstores in Spring, 2008!


    Thank you, thank you... I'll be in my trailer.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2005
  5. Renzokuken

    Renzokuken You have failed this city!

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    ...Fact?? Or BS??
     
  6. AcrobaticHippo

    AcrobaticHippo Determined

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    That was lame and stupid. Funny...but still lame :D
     
  7. javelin98

    javelin98 does anyone read these?

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    C'mon, Jnanee -- everything I say is lame and stupid!

    Still, I do think Snape will end up sacrificing himself to save the wizarding world. It just fits, somehow.