Discussion in 'Books' started by Arch_Angel, Sep 23, 2005.
http://www.darkmark.com/c.c?l=book7&t=Guide to Book VII
It's not going to come soon enough.
That didn't tell me very much that i already didn't know :S
Meh. I already figured out the storyline for the last book. Observe:
Harry Potter and the Beating of the Dead Horse
Dumbledore comes back from the dead. He was just faking Voldemort out.
The new Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeur, is exposed as a Death Eater. The
Wizarding public questions why a man with mixed French/Kentuckian heritage
was ever allowed into a position of power at all.
Ron and Hermione get together and make beautiful music. However, given Ron's
general goober-ish appearance, Hermione finds that she has to learn some
special spell that makes him even remotely eye-pleasing. The resulting sexual
tension fills about a third of the book, including a hilarious segment where Ron
asks Dobby the House Elf how to put on a prophylactic.
Harry and Ginny get together, about two hours before Harry is hauled away to
Azkaban for statutory rape. An inmate there warns Harry not to ever accept
Lucius Malfoy's offer to show him his "magic wand".
Things are looking grim, as the Death Eaters are killing/cursing everybody in sight
and perpetrating other acts of infamy, including sinking all of Wales into the sea.
Oddly, none of this makes the front pages of The Times, The Sun, the
Daily Telegraph, or Reuters. Everyone knows that The Guardian is
staffed by Death Eaters anyway.
Ex-Professor Lupin springs Harry from Azkaban. Together they seek out Hagrid,
who has finally admitted to his zoophilia problem. They seek shelter in the dark
forest on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, where they find Filch's weed stash.
Dumbledore finally makes his presence known, challenging Voldemort to single
combat atop the highest tower at Hogwarts, for reasons that completely escape
anyone with any sense whatsoever. Voldemort accepts, proving again that no
supervillian with brains enough to conquer the world is smart enough to request
a duel with Nerf swords in a padded room, with paramedics standing by.
Rousing an army of forest denizens, Harry, Lupin, and Hagrid mount an assault
on Hogwarts, which is now being overrun by Death Eaters. Wave after wave of
giant spiders, moody centaurs, and Ewoks (cross-marketing at work!) storm the
battlements, while Death Eaters rain fireballs and pain spells down upon them.
The castle ghosts get together and kick some Dementor ass, including Peeves,
who has a sudden bout of righteousness.
Filch's cat gets eaten by a troll, and there is much rejoicing.
Harry bursts onto the top of the tower where Voldemort is about to strike down
Dumbledore. The Dark Lord curses him before he can do anything, however, and
he goes down, struggling for breath, as Dumbledore is nearly fried by another
spell. When suddenly, who bursts out of the stairway onto the too-damn-good-
for-guard-rails top of the tower?
Yes, he was leading the bad guys on after all. Snape rushes Voldemort and puts
some serious pwnage on his ass, proving that he's not a latent homosexual after
all, but can seriously put the smack-down on his former boss.
Snape struggles with Voldie-baby until finally the two of them plunge over the side
to die on the rocks below. Sadly, there are no giant eagles with Gandalf riding on
them that show up to save Snape, but it's just as well. He had Issues, and the
Hogwarts Human Resources Department is just as happy to see him go.
Everyone's happy. The fangurlz are happy that Harry didn't end up with Asian
Token Love Interest Cho Chang, Ron's happy he finally got some, and Hermione
figures she can't do any better anyway, with her prissy attitude. Hagrid weds a
giant weasel ("Aye, she's verra feminine, ya see"), Longbottom changes his last
name to Diggler, Fred and George buy out NewsCorp in a settlement that
includes Rupert Murdoch dancing for them in one of the "winged monkey" outfits
from The Wizard of Oz, Mrs. Weasley puts a boot in Fleur Delacoeur's butt
and sends her packing, and Professor McGonagall starts an S&M escort service.
And, of course, Draco Malfoy. Draco is killed in a tragic swirlie-gone-horribly-
wrong accident in the boy's room at the start of the school year. Crabbe and
Goyle are arraigned as juveniles and sent to Azkaban Junior Corrections Facility
for three years. Which means they'll be getting out just in time for...
Harry Potter and The Auror Academy
Look for it in bookstores in Spring, 2008!
Thank you, thank you... I'll be in my trailer.
...Fact?? Or BS??
That was lame and stupid. Funny...but still lame
C'mon, Jnanee -- everything I say is lame and stupid!
Still, I do think Snape will end up sacrificing himself to save the wizarding world. It just fits, somehow.
Separate names with a comma.