Dark in here rated M

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by JIM, Apr 7, 2011.

  1. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

    After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

    The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

    Boy - "I have a football."

    Man - "That's nice."

    Boy - "Want to buy it?"

    Man - "No, thanks."

    Boy - "My dad's outside."

    Man - "OK, how much?"

    Boy - "$250"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

    Boy - "Dark in here."

    Man - "Yes, it is."

    Boy - "I have football boots."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"

    Boy - "$750"

    Man - "Sold."

    A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"

    The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."

    The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here".

    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!!
     
  2. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
    turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
    parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
    arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scoots
    back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
    always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
    cat. The cat runs upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
    house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
    we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
    poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
    off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
    keep her from scratching me.

    But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
    the back yard!'
    The cab driver hit a parked car.
     
  3. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Three Ladies in a Sauna

    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
    THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
    THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
     
  4. WildPony

    WildPony New Member

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    Hahahahahahehehehehe! Thanks for the laugh, needed it!

    So two old men are sitting on a park bench, the one has just finished running 5 miles. The other asks "You've just run 5 miles and you're over 80, you're not even panting, how do you do it?" The old man replies "I eat Ryebread every day. It does wonders for your health and... [whispers] it even makes you good with the ladies." So the other old man thinks he just has to get himself some of this bread. On the way home he stops at the bakery. He orders 5 loathes of ryebread. The woman behind the counter says "My goodness Sir, do you really want so many loathes? By the time you get to the last one it will be hard." The old man exclaims "Damn does everyone know about this ryebread accept me!!!!!"
     
  5. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    LOL niice. time to test the censor:

    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
  6. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
     
  7. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

    "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

    Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

    "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

    "**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
     
  8. WildPony

    WildPony New Member

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    The third last one was disturbing! Ugh!

    Okay here's a harmless one:
    A wedding:
    A little boy who is part of the wedding eparty has his turn to walk down the isle. Every few steps he turns around and roars! He continues to do this until he reaches the wedding couple. By this time the congregation is laughing. The little boy starts crying. His mother comes to him and asks him what's wrong and what he was doing during his walk down the isle. He replies "I was trying to be the ring bear! :[[[[ "
     
  9. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    oh no lol.
    ok, another disturbing one:

    A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
    She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
    The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
    Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
     
  10. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1bBi4qXpxfY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
     
  11. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    Haha I thought the last one was rather disturbing and I actually liked the goblin - one a lot:D

    The San Diego zoo caught a bear, but it's a real pain in the ass wilde animal and the usual methods to tame him doesn't seem to work, so the zoo keepers thought of alternative methods to tame the bear.
    First, they send a priest, who reads passages from the bible to the bear and sprinkles some holy water on him. The priest comes back content, but the progress he made was rather small.
    So the next day they send a buddhist, who starts to meditate in front of the bear. The buddhist comes back content, but still, the progress had been small.
    They decided to send a rabbi the following day. He returns half-dead on a stretcher, and the zoo keepers ask him: "What the hell happened?"
    The rabbi answers: "I shouldn't have started with circumcision.."
     
  12. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    LMAO
    The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

    "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

    "Well, tell me!" the man said.

    The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
    Which do you want to hear first?"

    Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

    So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

    "Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
    Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

    "Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

    "If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

    And the cop replied...
    "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
     
  13. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    Hahaha:D what an absurd joke, love it.
     
  14. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
    "About 34," was the reply.
    "I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

    About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
    "Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

    While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
    She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your ***** for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

    As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
    Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
    Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
    The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".
     
  15. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
    They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
    She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
     
  16. Julie

    Julie Well-Known Member

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    :eek:
    Porn!
     
  17. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    neva!!!!
    A young man goes into a drug store to buy c*ndoms. The pharmacist says the c*ndoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

    He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
     
  18. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his **** in a vice.
    Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
    "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2011
  19. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
    She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
    The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
    The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
     
  20. JIM

    JIM zombie Turncoat

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    Two very horny and under-sexed college freshmen are wandering around campus on the prowl when they notice a dog licking his balls.

    "Man, I wish I could do that," says the first guy.

    The second freshman replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"