Critique of a part of my fantasy book?

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Azrielle1024, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Critique of my fantasy novel?

    Hello fellow fantasy lovers! I would like to share a piece of my story with you today, and I am looking for Kindly worded tips and critique. Keep in mind i am barely a teen. Thank you.
    Here it is, ;) If i get good reviews i might post a bit more of it.:eek:

    Name Pronunciation:
    Calises: Ka-lee- sis
    Vicente- Vi-sen-tAY
    Akosid- A-co-sid
    Boraf: Boar- uf
    Sheovaul: She- O-vaul (sounds like haul, but with a 'v' not an 'h')
    Okay: Here it is:

    Prologue:

    Vicente drew in a deep breath as the members of the Council of Crowns stared at him.
    “You cannot be serious about this Vicente!” Calises, the Elvin prince shouted at him. “I failed last time attempting to bring one of the outsiders here. What makes you think I could succeed this time?” The elegant robe-clad elf next to the enraged council member drew an arm around Calises’ shoulder.
    “Calm down, my brother. We must hear the other ideas from the council first.”
    “You’ll be the death of me, Akosid. I have the right to be mad. No Elvin king, brother or not, can change that.” Akosid was shocked at his brother’s transformation from the calm, shy little brother to a ball of rage that made the most talented of warriors look like puppies. “I was merely suggesting that we should bring another mortal here to try and solve this crisis. The Dark Lord, Sheovaul, has acquired one of our crowns. I suppose the elves still have their crowns, as you so frequently boast.” Vicente spat out at Calises.
    “Yes as a matter of fact we still have both.” More sarcasm from the mouth of Calises.
    “Well, you may want to hold onto those tightly, because our troops have discovered that Sheovaul is planning an attack. A bloody attack.”
    “I won’t trust anything a filthy bloodsucker says.”
    The two were broken apart as a split in the earth came zigzagging towards them, cutting the two standing rivals apart. The crack widened and divided, revealing a fiery pit. Vicente raised his hands in defeat. “I was just stating an opinion.” He whispered to himself. The centaur from across the circle withdrew his staff from the ground. “We are getting nowhere. If you two won’t stop bickering, I’ll tie you two together with vines.” The centaur said as he stomped his hooves against the grass. That comment was enough to extinguish the revulsion between them, at least for now. If there was one thing Calises hated more than the vampire, it would be being tied to a hungry version of Vicente. The two were content to just stare at each other, at the moment at least. “Now, if we could actually decide on something instead of complaining. All of those who vote we bring another mortal into our realm raise your hand.” Vicente, Akosid, centaurs and various Dryads raised their hands. “I’m sorry brother, but the only way we can solve this problem is by bringing in a mortal.” Akosid regretfully told his brother. “That is well over half of you. Now, we must choose the person to go and fetch an able mortal from the other world. Does anyone have an idea?” said the same centaur. “I have an idea, if I may.” Vicente said, a smirk pulling at the ends of his lips. “I think that Calises should go. It would be his one chance at redeeming his dignity.” Approving murmurs spread throughout the council.


    Please Don't use any of the parts in your own stories. I don't think any of you would, but i just have to add that. It took me forever to think up names, even though i wrote this all today.
    Please leave critique!
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  2. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    Gee, that was quick :p

    Very good for a lass of your age...
    Keep up the good work, and Maybe, just maybe you could become a professional author when you get a little older..
    Very Impressed :)
     
  3. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Thanks so much!
    *Off to microsoft word to continue typing madly*
     
  4. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    :) Anytime :)

    Oh, something to take into consideration.. Is the name pronounciation thing really needed? I find half the fun is trying to pronounce the damn names all the way through the book :p
     
  5. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    XD
    I just added that because my mom always says she wont read something when she
    can't pronounce the names...
    yeah....

    And just something quickly...
    How do you imagine my characters, out of curiousity. So far, they are all male in the story.
     
  6. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    Oh, fair enough :p My mom SUCKS at reading... Literally.. I got her the 4 twilight books for her birthday-mid march- and shes on page 46 of the FIRST ONE. I've been reading for two days, about 2 hours per day, and im 3/4 of the way through dear john again :D

    And, There isn't much description about them... So, the only thing to go by are their names.. But i'll do my best:
    Calises - Good hearted, but naieve (Cant spell that word)
    Vincente - Dark, Lonesome - Vampires name.
    Acosid - It kind of reminds me of a beasts name.. Like a minatour.. No idea why :p
    Boraf - Dwarf?
    Sheovaul - I'd imagine this as a female, a kind of witch, who is out to get whatever she can. $$$.
     
  7. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Close enough
    XD

    Pretty much right on with Calises and Vicente......
    Akosid is an elf though, and Boraf is a centaur.
    Sheovaul is pretty close too
    Good job!
     
  8. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    Well, congratulations on choosing relevant names :D They're fairly easy to percieve :D
     
  9. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Thanks! thats what i was aiming for.
    Also when you get a chance, can you tell me your favorite character so far? Just trying to poll through ideas in my head.
    ;)
    Thanks again
     
  10. Skyanide

    Skyanide The Big Meanie Staff Member

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    Not the right section...
     
  11. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    No problem :)
    And, Sheovaul ...Simply because she will no doubt be a troublemaker :D
     
  12. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    I liked Akosid and Vincente.
    It's good writing, but I'll just say one thing; spend more time on the "He said", and that kind of stuff. I find that those are what make a dialogue attractive and spend a lot of time on those when I write.
    Otherwise, good luck and continuation.

    naïve
    Minator
     
  13. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    Thanks for the spelling corrections Druid :p
     
  14. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Thanks!
    I was kinda setting up Vicente and Calises to be the favorites and most... Interesting..... In the book.
    Yeah, I'm just trying to get the basic thing down and spend time on making everything attractive later. I have alot of Ideas and want to get them into the stry. AND i wrote that in about an hour, so i wasn't expecting anyone to like it.....
    I'm on page five now!
    Yay!!!
    I'll post a little more in a bit.

    And, anyone know why thins was moved to fanfiction?
    It is an original story, by the way, whoever moved it.
     
  15. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    It could be just because its Ficton..Made by a fan of fantasy :p

    Shouldn't you be at school? :p
     
  16. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Oh, I go to a private school.
    ;)
    We got out after exams on June 4Th.
    I get that a lot. XD

    And, technically i should be because my mom is helping with selling used books for the mothers club today, but i slept too late.
    :p
     
  17. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    haha, Lazy ;)

    I skipped college :D

    I used to want to be an author :D
     
  18. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Okay, Loyal Follower XD My mom would KILL me (Literally) If i skipped college.

    I will post a bit more now. I still have four more pages of this in word, and growing.

    A dryad spoke loudly, “I think that would be a great idea.” Heads nodded from around the circle. “It is settled then. Calises will go to the other world and bring back a mortal, with Vicente as his guide. No, don’t speak yet you two. We must prevent Sheovaul from finding and piecing together the seven crowns. It would be lethal to all of us.” The centaur in the middle of the circle said to everyone. Calises stood up in rage. “Why should I have to go with that bloodsucking leech? You know this will not end well for either of us, Boraf!” Vicente rolled his eyes at the typical bloodsucker comment. He was used to going with inexperienced world-travelers to the other world, although he knew this would not bode well for him and Calises, as they would be at their throats, figuratively for Vicente, physically for Calises, the whole time. “I wish you would stop calling me a ‘bloodsucking leech’, dear, naïve elf.” Vicente responded, flicking a piece of dirt off his Victorian waistcoat. He had acquired it from one of his earlier expeditions to gather information about the other world once the council had set up a portal to it. He had gone on many expeditions throughout his three hundred years of life, but at the moment, he still looked like he was in his late twenties. “After all, I have been here for two hundred and seventy more years than you.” Calises sat defeated once more, and huffed. “Well then, everything is settled. You two will depart tomorrow morning through the portal and bring back a mortal. I suggest you hunt tonight Vicente. You may not in the other world. Understood?” said Boraf. Vicente flashed a brilliant smile that showed both his fangs. “Of course I will, Boraf. I will not cause another ‘animal attack’ as they called it.” Boraf grunted and swished his tail, signaling the end of the meeting. “Oh and one more thing. Loral, you will help explain to the mortal when it gets here, Akosid will help you.” He signaled to a Dryad who nodded and turned with her wolf companion. Vicente glared at Calises, who glared back with equal animosity. “Oh gods, why must I go with this insulting elf-pig? Why don’t you kill me now? It will be a lot less painful for the both of us.” said Vicente, his black, shoulder length hair rustling as he tilted his head up towards the sunset.. “Just keep your bloody fangs away from my throat and don’t talk. Then I’ll be fine.” Calises remarked, his light brunette hair spilling down his back as he stood up. “Don’t flatter yourself. I would rather suck the blood of a pig.” Calises snorted. “Why don’t you go visit your mother than if you want pig blood?” Vicente’s grey eyes darkened to a midnight black. “It is best for you and I both if you would keep your mouth shut about my mother. I don’t want to waste my energy murdering you.” Vicente stood with grace from the stone chair he had occupied. Most of the other council members had funneled out, starting the journey home, where ever that may be for them. “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow. I suggest you get plenty of sleep. I know this journey may be difficult for lower beings.” Vicente said as he turned into the woods towards the vampiric town in which he lived, leaving Calises to calm down to his usual shy self.

    Do you still like it?
     
  19. Reece56364

    Reece56364 Guest

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    Aha, my mom doesnt know ;)

    And that's REALLY GOOD! Im actually enjoying reading it :p

    acquired - accuired / about halfway through, where they talk about the waistcoast... :D

    I think that when you finish the current chapter, you should email it to me? Then i can read it all in one go... Your choice of course :p
     
  20. Azrielle1024

    Azrielle1024 Aspiring teenage author

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    Okay!!
    I'm on the first chapter now. That was the prolouge, and pretty much it for the prolouge. Only a bit more, but when i finish chapter 1, I'll post here that I'm ready to email it to you, kay?