Canadian Jokes

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Luther_the_Great, Mar 11, 2007.

  1. Renzokuken

    Renzokuken You have failed this city!

    Joined:
    May 6, 2004
    Messages:
    6,277
    Likes Received:
    83
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Sydney
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    lol. Awesome work, Sen. :D
     
  2. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    hehe thanks :D I get a kick out of 'em too, lol. I mean you just can't beat Canadian jokes eh?
     
  3. Luther_the_Great

    Luther_the_Great The Amazing

    Joined:
    May 17, 2006
    Messages:
    504
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    For those of you who aren't familiar with the Newfoundlanders, let me just say that it is generally known that they are a few bricks short of a load. Its easy to see when you consider news reports like the following.

    "Newfoundland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

    Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

    Oh dear dear... but can you really blame them for being that mentally inept? I mean if they ever had to come to grips with hard fact that they are Canadian... I just don't think they could cope.

    -------------

    An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

    The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

    The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

    The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

    The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

    ------------


    Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

    "I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the Canadian kid."

    ----------------------

    And lets not be shy of pointing out that there really are some common misconceptions about Canada.

    In 1995, Bill Clinton made these remarks

    "In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect"

    Unfortunately he failed to do his research because at the same time at a political rally in Quebec...

    "Dude, theze non-French-speakerz reelly suck.
    Lets leave.
    Now.
    Before zis country sucks any harder."

    I leave you to judge whether Clinton HAD "inhaled" or not before his speech.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2007
  4. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    lol, I've seen the middle two with any different arrangements of nationalities interchanged.
     
  5. Unraveller

    Unraveller <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2004
    Messages:
    4,128
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    t' hEmerald hOile
    Ratings:
    +62 / 0 / -0
    Yay! Generic insult-the-country-of-your-choice jokes!

    An American, an Irishman and a boy scout were on a plane. The captain comes running back and says, "We're going down and we only have 3 parachutes. I'm taking one, see ya." and jumps out of the plane. The American whips out a gun and says, "Lucky I come from a great country that allows us to arm ourselves. Gimme one of them." The boy scout hands one over and the American jumps. "You take the last one, you're younger," says the Irishman. "It's ok," the boy scout replies, "I gave the American my backpack."

    An American comes home to find another man in bed with his wife. He pulls out a gun and holds it to his own temple. "No darling, don't shoot yourself, I won't be able to collect the insurance, " his wife cries. "Shut up bitch," he replies, "you two are next."

    An American was in court for robbery. "This court finds you not guilty," intoned the judge. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" the man replied.

    Ooops, sorry, you can replace American with Canadian as you wish :halo:
     
  6. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    This one stung a bit till I read the last paragraph, then I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes.
     
  7. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    Yeah, I guess for people who aren't familiar with 22 Minutes it would be a little odd...but anyone at all familiar with This Hour Has 22 Minutes would recognize it for how it was meant - ie. not seriously. I'm thinking of deleting that one in case anyone takes it wrongly...
     
  8. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    I don't think you should take it down. Most people who visit this section seem to ba able to take it in stride.
     
  9. Mububban

    Mububban Administrator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    4,705
    Likes Received:
    144
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    West Australia
    Ratings:
    +186 / 1 / -0
    Now now, what's this all aboot eh?

    There's an Australian version of this that 95% the same, they just change a couple of things.
     
  10. Mububban

    Mububban Administrator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    4,705
    Likes Received:
    144
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    West Australia
    Ratings:
    +186 / 1 / -0
    Nah, leave it up. It's in a thread with the word "joke" in the title. If people can't take it in the context it was meant, they are the problem, not you or the article.
     
  11. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    lol I'm sure...it's still funny though eh?


    Has anyone seen the 22 Minutes edition called "Talking to Americans?"

    Well, read this and watch these clips if you're ready for a good laugh. Especially the last one XD

    http://home.comcast.net/~wwwstephen/americans/
     
  12. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    "Our most important neighbor to the north" lol.
     
  13. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

    Joined:
    May 31, 2005
    Messages:
    2,697
    Likes Received:
    175
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Hellsing Mansion
    Ratings:
    +175 / 0 / -0
    I hadn't seen that one, but this one was awesome....DID YOU KNOW that Canada only has, like, 11 states, which is why they totally leach off of the US, which has, like, 50 of them?

    I watch This Hour Has 22 Minutes all the time and I must say I watch it for Shaun he is hilarious.
     
  14. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    I love that show, lol :D
     
  15. Winterine

    Winterine Ranger-Bard

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2003
    Messages:
    1,942
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    the Other Place
    Ratings:
    +54 / 0 / -0
    Great jokes Sen :D
     
  16. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    How Canadian women can fight terrorism

    As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort.

    All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.

    And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

    The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

    God Bless Canada!



    Canada VS United States

    This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

    CANADIANS:
    Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    AMERICANS:
    Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    CANADIANS:
    Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    AMERICANS:
    This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    CANADIANS:
    No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    AMERICANS:
    This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
    I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

    CANADIANS:
    We are a lighthouse. Your call







    A Canadian [immigrant's] Journal

    Date: Sun, 3 Nov
    Ah,yes... O Canada, Our home and native land!

    Dear Diary

    Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
    Oct. 14 - Canada -- it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
    Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
    Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
    Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
    Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F#cking snow plough.
    Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
    Dec. 25 - Merry F#cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f#cking ice.
    Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white crap and it is so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
    Dec. 28 - That f#cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the crap this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already
    broken six shovels shoveling out all the crap he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f#cking head.
    Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had
    exterminated them all last November.
    May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the roads.
    May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!




    Canadian Tourism Humour

    The most unusual questions tourists have asked at information bureaus across the country.

    **From Tourism Toronto, a toll free info and reservations line

    * Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians?
    * How do I apply for the Canadian Express Card?
    * What's this Boxing Day in Toronto, do you box on that day?
    * I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.
    * Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?
    Counselor: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles.
    Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying?
    * Can I take the subway to Vancouver?
    * Good afternoon, I'm entertaining some executives, and would like to know where they can ride llamas.
    * What information do you have on Italy?

    **From Check-ln Nova Scotia, the province's toll-free information and reservations number

    * Do you have automatic bank machines up there?
    * Are you connected to Greenland?
    * Can you tell me about the ferry from Halifax to Europe?
    * Does Nova Scotia have a dress code?

    ** From Alberta's Banff/Lake Louise tourist bureau

    * "That's such a lovely flag," said a tourist admiring the Canadian flag. 'Does it come in many colors?"
    * Visitor: How far is it to Lake Louise?
    Staff member: 40 miles
    Visitor: How long is the trail?
    Staff member: Five kilometers.
    Visitor: What's that in English?
    * At which elevation do the elk change to moose?
    * Can you book us baseball tickets at the SkyDome tonight? We're driving to Toronto this afternoon.

    ** From the information kiosk at Niagara Falls, Ontario

    * Is the water coming over the falls real?
    * What time do you turn on the rainbow?
    * Are the CN Tower and SkyDome within walking distance?
    * From a tourist who was admiring the falls at night, when they're lit up with various colored lights: What kind of dye do they put in the water to make it change color like that?
    * How can I parachute over the falls?
    * I have to be at this address in Vancouver for dinner at 5 o'clock this evening. How much time should I allow myself to drive there?
    * Why do you Canadians have fireworks tonight? The 4th of July is still a few days away.
    * Which way do we walk to get to Montreal? We'd like to go there for lunch.



    A True Canadian

    It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Liadan

    Liadan Insert Title Here

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,968
    Likes Received:
    124
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Ratings:
    +124 / 0 / -0
    Lmao, nice ones.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Crusader

    Crusader Disturber of the Peace

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2003
    Messages:
    12,265
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Englands Green and Pleasant Lands
    Ratings:
    +91 / 0 / -0
    just saw these, great, but ive heard the lighthouse one before as an english joke.
     
  19. imrhien

    imrhien The Lady of the Sorrows

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2006
    Messages:
    2,573
    Likes Received:
    58
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Australia
    Ratings:
    +58 / 0 / -0
    Well done Sen, LMFAO
     
  20. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    that was the hardest I've laughed in a while