Canadian Jokes

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Luther_the_Great, Mar 11, 2007.

  1. Luther_the_Great

    Luther_the_Great The Amazing

    Joined:
    May 17, 2006
    Messages:
    504
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    I'm afraid its all too true, Canadian jokes are just funny...even to Canadians...

    Ok first joke:
    Did you hear about the man who got a map of Canada tatooed on his butt?

    Yeah, everytime he sat down, Quebec separated.

    May the Queen forgive me. *genuflects*
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. herzog

    herzog Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2006
    Messages:
    486
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +26 / 0 / -0
    roflmao!!!!
    I've never heard that one before but it's gold!! Pure comedic gold!!
     
  3. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    oh thats hilarious!
     
  4. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    Did you hear how they named Canada? They held a random letter drawing that went something like this:

    C eh. N eh. D eh.
     
  5. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    -- ok...
     
  6. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    For someone who likes to poke fun at the great white north you don't seem to get the most basic joke about it.
     
  7. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    I ot it but it was not that funny...but remeber we are on the net...typing and I can't hear you say it so it takes alot of the fun away
     
  8. herzog

    herzog Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2006
    Messages:
    486
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +26 / 0 / -0
    I got it I just didn't think it was funny.
     
  9. Unraveller

    Unraveller <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2004
    Messages:
    4,128
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    t' hEmerald hOile
    Ratings:
    +62 / 0 / -0
    Yet you both thought the first one was great?
     
  10. herzog

    herzog Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2006
    Messages:
    486
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Ratings:
    +26 / 0 / -0
    Quebec jokes are funny. Does that offend you?
     
  11. I. R. Shogun

    I. R. Shogun Midnight Demon

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    17,249
    Likes Received:
    299
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    Within your hopes and dreams
    Ratings:
    +304 / 0 / -0
    I think he's under the correct impression that they were both pretty weak.
     
  12. Renzokuken

    Renzokuken You have failed this city!

    Joined:
    May 6, 2004
    Messages:
    6,277
    Likes Received:
    83
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Sydney
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    Amen to that.

    No offence, fellas. ;)

    (Sidenote... post 5,700! :D)
     
  13. Liadan

    Liadan Insert Title Here

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,968
    Likes Received:
    124
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Ratings:
    +124 / 0 / -0
    Lol, I don't make "Canada jokes" per se - I just make fun of Senekha instead. =D
     
  14. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    lol :p

    I liked the "eh" one, I.R.! I know this version of it:

    The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word. Just looked at him.

    "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

    "C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

    "N., eh?" says the second guy.

    "D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

    "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

    So that's how Canada got its name.


    Brace yerselves :D:

    On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

    I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

    I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.

    I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

    I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.

    I'm sorry we burnt down your White-House during the war of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

    I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

    And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with. For 22 Minutes, I'm Anthony St.Joseph, I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry.




    I'm sure you've all heard this one or one like it, but it's a classic and I love it:

    50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Canadians plant gardens.

    40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
    Californians shiver uncontrollably
    Canadians Sunbathe.

    35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
    Italian Cars won't start
    Canadians drive with the windows down

    32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
    Distilled water freezes
    Canadian water gets thicker.

    0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
    New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
    Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

    -40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Canadians rent some videos.

    -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
    Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
    Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

    -100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
    Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
    Canadians pull down their earflaps.

    -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
    Ethyl alcohol freezes.
    Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

    -459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
    Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
    Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

    -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
    Hell freezes over.
    The Leafs win the Cup


    ROFL sorry.....



    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Molson sits down and says,

    "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

    The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."





    And my personal favourite of the day:

    As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

    "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

    If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2007
  15. Unraveller

    Unraveller <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2004
    Messages:
    4,128
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    t' hEmerald hOile
    Ratings:
    +62 / 0 / -0
    Now THEY were funny ;)
     
  16. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    lol here's another that I love:


    "About Canada"

    These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

    Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
    A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
    A: Let's not touch this one.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of ?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
     
  17. Unraveller

    Unraveller <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2004
    Messages:
    4,128
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    t' hEmerald hOile
    Ratings:
    +62 / 0 / -0
    Class, actually made me laugh out loud.
     
  18. Senekha

    Senekha <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2005
    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    84
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Varghala
    Ratings:
    +84 / 0 / -0
    lmao :D Excellent ;)

    I'll post more later
     
  19. RayCaptain

    RayCaptain 如朱

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,719
    Likes Received:
    210
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +216 / 0 / -0
    the first one I didn't get but I almost died laughing after I read the others
     
  20. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

    Joined:
    May 31, 2005
    Messages:
    2,697
    Likes Received:
    175
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Location:
    Hellsing Mansion
    Ratings:
    +175 / 0 / -0
    No doot aboot it Sen....those always make me laugh except I hadn't heard your "personal favourite of the day" LMAO that was awesome, nods head sympathetically...lol. Or the About Canada one....But the Molson one is my favourite....
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2007