Can I get an oppinion!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by dragonfly, May 21, 2008.

  1. dragonfly

    dragonfly Natures little helicopter

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    Greetings all,

    Kudos to the writers! It's a big undertaking to churn out a novel and I commend anyone who even has half a go at it. Can I get an oppinion from someone on this extract? I've not written much previously but of late I've written 3 chapters about a girl who starts her adult life as a shepherd and goes on to saves the world.
    Warning, this part is pretty deep.

    'She was beginning to twitch with anxiety when the sudden memory of a similar occurrence took her breath. This had happened to her before when she was much younger. She hadn’t thought about it for years and it was never spoken about in her family. It hadn’t made sense to her until now, now that she had experienced this kind of assault as an adult. She had been 10 years old and gleefully strutting the length of the main street from her home down to the boat sheds. She was to deliver a lunch to her father and brothers as they were working on the boat that day and not kms off shore for once. She skipped around the corner of the shed and barged through the side door expecting to see the 3 Fishermen busy with nets and ropes and the like but instead a tall thin man with short hair and a long beard glared at her in surprise. Her face dropped,
    “Where’s My dad?” she asked uneasily. She froze as he paced quickly toward her, uncertain of who he was but assuming he knew her father and wouldn’t harm her. She dropped the basket of sandwiches and shielded her face as he grabbed the shoulders of the light, knee length dress that her mother had made for her.
    “He’s not here” he said coldly and ripped the dress entirely from her with a force that reefed her off her feet and left her crumpled on the ground, frozen with fear, and bulging with adrenalin, wearing just her underwear. She was to frightened to even open her eyes and wanted to scream but was literally petrified. She was sure that she was about to experience the substance of nightmares. To become the victim of a violent crime, even a murder. A stabbing or a bashing, kicking she imagined, and then she would be dead. She shielded her tiny body as best she could with her arms but instead there was nothing. She opened her eyes and looked up at the bearded man but he was not looking back. He was staring toward the door where Enakai looked to see her father and older brother Korai. They both entered and the man stepped slowly back as they stopped where she was laying. Fisherman didn’t take his eyes off the stranger. He pointed to Laniel on the ground and without shifting his gaze, said very sternly to Korai,
    “Take your sister home, make sure she’s ok. Korai dropped to the ground to comfort her, raking the remnants of her dress around her and cradling her away quickly.
    “It’s ok baby” he said softly, tucking her head into his shoulder and kissing her brow “Your big bro’s got you, you’ll be ok” He whispered reassurance as he carried her all the way home. She remembered her mother flying into a panic and Korai whispering to her to calm her down. Her mother then bathed her and attentativley and held her close for the rest of the day.
    ‘Why did that man want to hurt me mum?’ She asked innocently.
    “some people are bad” was the reply. “some people are just bad.” Enakai remembered the last thing she had seen as Korai carried her from the shed was her father frantically rearranging the clutter on a bench near where she had fallen, which seemed a strange thing to be doing while the bearded man backed into a corner at the other end of the shed. It had only occurred to her now that he had selected a weapon, probably one of the harpoons that they used to spear sharks and even whales sometimes. She had never seen the bearded man again and her father had told her not to ask what had happened to him or where he had gone. It had just occurred to Enakai that her mothers birthday present was probably marking his grave right now. It seemed to her that once again she had done as the hunters and her father would have done under the same circumstances. She had protected herself and indeed all the people of the valley, particularly the women from a vile creature such that should never have been free in the first place.
    She had no idea what to do next. '

    So do you think I should keep writing or not?
     
  2. tearoutmythroat

    tearoutmythroat Dr. Fuzzywhipple

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    You've got me interested... I'd say keep it up. :)
     
  3. Dragn9

    Dragn9 Sorcerer Supreme

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    I think you should keep writing...It's probably not a book that I would typically read....but everyone's got their own taste. The writing seems good to me and perhaps with some more writing my opinion might change....it's hard to judge with such a short intro. I can't really tell what the rest of the book is going to be like since not a lot has been said, it's hard to tell what direction the book is headed and what sort of things will take place. Again this is just my opinion......but keep at it...
     
  4. dragonfly

    dragonfly Natures little helicopter

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    Thanks for the confidence. As I say, I haven't written much before and what I have has been nonfiction. I'll post another extract sooner or later (later) but I don't want to give much away. Loosley, it's the story of the unification of an anarchaic, postapocalyptic (they're never preapocalyptic, strangley) future world, largley as a result of the actions of the heroine. It's got horses, cross bows, swords and the like, it's got mountains, mutants, murders, mutilations and fish! (and maybee some humour).

    Thanks again,
    df:)
     
  5. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    not bad. post some more and ill give you a more indepth opinion.
     
  6. dragonfly

    dragonfly Natures little helicopter

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    howdy you'll, so I started writing this novel with my source of inspiration being a certain woman. Now since she's just dropped off the planet I've been looking for a new source. Fortunatley I've found one, and it's not a person so hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon enough. Let that be a lesson then, don't build on shifting sands !
     
  7. Dalhar d Oloth

    Dalhar d Oloth New Member

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    dragonfly, there is always an audience. Don't be discouraged if you feel you are too deep and shifting sands are a big part of the imagination. You will likely appeal to some and possibly not to others. This makes the writer grow and expand our depth. There is a novel in everyone, screaming to get out and be heard.

    I think you have potential. Don't give up and stick with it. :)
     
  8. imrhien

    imrhien The Lady of the Sorrows

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    Inspiration is overrated
     
  9. dragonfly

    dragonfly Natures little helicopter

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    Thankyou !
     
  10. dragonfly

    dragonfly Natures little helicopter

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    By who?