Adult Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Joke Board' started by Jorick, Mar 22, 2009.

  1. Jorick

    Jorick Well-Known Member

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    This thread is for adult jokes only, cause I have tons and wanted to share! Here's a few good ones:



    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

    "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."



    A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he's got the biggest schlong around.

    “Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

    “That's it?” asks the drunk.

    “Yup,” says Bubba.

    So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”



    Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

    "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

    But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

    "Dave, you're a vet..."



    Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

    First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

    Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

    Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

    Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

    First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

    Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

    They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

    First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

    Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."



    A university creative writing class is asked to write essays containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

    The prize-winning essay reads: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"



    A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around.

    As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?"

    She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."



    Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.

    The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

    The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

    The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."

    The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"



    This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he'll roll over and stop snoring.

    The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped.

    Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.

    The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

    He says, "I don't know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."



    There are three whores sitting in a bar.

    The first whore says to the other two, "I'm so good, when a guy fingers me, he can fit in three fingers."

    The second whore says, "That's nothing, when a guy fingers me he can use his whole fist."

    The third whore says, "That's nothing." Then she lifts up her skirt and slides right down the bar stool.



    Little Johnny and his grandfather go fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"

    "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

    "No"

    "Well, than your not big enough"

    Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

    "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

    "No"

    "Well, than your not big enough"

    Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

    Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

    Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

    Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"


    And a bonus: three dirty limericks and an absolutely filthy rhyme.



    Buffalo Billy had a 10-foot willy,
    He showed it to the girl next door.
    She thought it was a snake,
    So she whacked it with a rake,
    And now it's only five-foot-four.



    There was an old man from Nantucket
    Who had a cock so long he could suck it
    He said with a grin,
    As he wiped off his chin,
    "If my ear were a pussy, I'd **** it!"



    There once was a man named Dave,
    Who kept an old whore in a cave.
    She was ugly as shit,
    And minus one tit,
    But think of the money Dave saved.



    Goddamn mother****in' son-of-a-bitch,
    He parked his car in a whore house ditch.
    He lined a hundred whores up against the wall,
    I be damned if he didn't ****'em all.
    He ****ed ninety-eight till his balls turned blue,
    Backed off, jacked off, and ****ed the other two.
     
  2. Alchemist

    Alchemist The Fighters Guide House Member

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    There is a thread like this. The tasteless joke thread.
     
  3. Jorick

    Jorick Well-Known Member

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    Heh, you got me there. They are pretty tasteless. :)
     
  4. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
     
  5. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    I mean, really?
     
  6. Druid of Lûhn

    Druid of Lûhn The Little Lamb.

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    The first rhyme isn't a limeric
     
  7. Zane Fireflyte

    Zane Fireflyte The Persistant Cat Wizard

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    Druid's right. It's not a limerick.

    By the way, I was watching Spongebob recently, and suddenly, Spongebob says "There once was a man from Nantucket..."

    I cracked up.
     
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