A Wolf's Bane (Inspired by band: Meatloaf)

Discussion in 'Original Works' started by Nizati, May 24, 2006.

  1. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    Poem: The Demon’s Prayer

    I pray to No-One,
    for only he will care.
    Who else would listen
    to a demon’s prayer?

    I kneel in the shadows
    I stay out of sight.
    I speak of my sorrows
    I whisper my strife.

    I pray for the light
    I believe there’s still hope.
    How am I to live?
    How am I to cope?

    They say there’s no God
    For the demon’s way.
    Then why am I here?
    To whom do I pray?

    So I pray to No-One
    For no one cares
    While I whisper…

    The Demon’s Prayer.​
     
  2. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

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    Hey, very very nice.

    I'm not too savvy when it comes to poetry, but I liked the rhyme scheme and flow here. It was a pleasure to read and seemed to have some profoundness about it.

    If this is "the" demon, then "demon's" needs to be capitalized like it is at the end, but if it's the "demons'"....a plural thing, then you can just change the apostrophe. Did that make sense? If not then I can try to explain it better.

    But other than that I liked the feel of this.
     
  3. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    (Yes, this is based off of the music from a band called Meatloaf. The poem sets the mood for the story.
    This is the first of two parts of this story)

    A Wolf’s Bane.


    Hell sucks. So many say that they would rule it, or compared to the descriptions of heaven, hell would be more fun. Those people are full of bullshit. Wolf should know. He has been an ice demon for about seven years, but Wolf doesn’t know that. It’s impossible to know how long you have been down here, or how much time is left before you can go. And he has a blessed 200 years until he can leave. Wonderful. True, hell is not all that bad. You get jobs, and if those jobs are done well, you can get perks. Even though he hasn’t been here long, Wolf has a nice résumé already: including torturing new arrivals, keeping the seventh level of hell cold, and being the icy voice that whispers to mortals: who cares…jump…or kill. As he is so talented at his jobs, he has “earned” his demon wings, and a motorcycle: a motorcycle he loved very much in the mortal world, and of course, was much more then some hog in hell. It was alive, and it was his servant. Wolf has named it Bane. But as said before… Hell still sucks.


    The tortures… you may not know what time it is, but you always know when it’s torture time. You just feel it. They come for you and then it starts. There is no living word for the pain that is felt. The ability of passing out and going into shock are shut off, and you scream. Oh, everyone screams. If there is nothing left but a huge lump of bloody flesh and no new torture can hurt you any more then you already are, there is the Styx. You are thrown in, and presto! You are healed as good as new so the torture can begin anew.

    For me, it always felt cold. The suffering was always in the cold and in the dark. Everything dark except her. Celine Jones. With every flash of pain, there was a flash of her behind my eyelids. She was alive. Somewhere, she was still alive. Her smiling face like the light from the gates of heaven.

    What I wouldn’t do to see that face one more time. It’s funny, I can’t even remember my real name or my mother’s face, but I remember Celine like it was yesterday. I don’t care anymore, if I’m dammed for ten days of a thousand years, I’m going to see her now. I don’t know why, but one of the gates of hell is left unguarded: this is my only chance. It may be a trap, or some sort of twisted test, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve taken the bait and I’m as good as gone. And how convenient: it’s an old, twisted highway to hell.

    With a call, Bane is at my side. With a prayer to no one, I am off… like a bat out of hell. Twisting and turning the on the empty ash and stone, I realize, every mile I get closer to the border, the closer I am to being alive once more. True, it’ll be a dammed life, but if I got to be dammed, I want to be dammed with her. Both Bane and I shake as we breach an invisible barrier, our speed too much to hold us back from any treasure we desire. Another barrier, this one stronger. Then light….


    The midnight wind rushes through my hair, the moon making the sky a sheet of ice blue. There is a whisper of cruel laughter in the back of my mind… and it is gone. Did I imagine it? Doesn’t matter. I’m a hurricane: shifting and flying restlessly along the hairpin corners, and banked roads. For me, I should be alive, nothing but fierce joy should be entering my mind… Me and my bike. No one else…. No…Celine... I can’t stop thinking of Celine. What she said to me… what I did to her. She had to bring it up. She hated me being in that “damned gang”. I could get killed! She would say. What if I ever got caught by the police? She doesn’t understand. That gang is my life: they gave me friends, they gave me family… they gave me a reason to live. That is, until I met Celine. I thought she was going to be just another notch under my belt and one less virgin in this world. No, I fell in love and to this day she has been left untouched. Now, she wants me to leave my group, my posse, my family! How can I? I would give my life for them goddamnit.

    We fought… did we ever fight. It just got louder, and louder, anger rising, the reasons for fighting became more and more distant and soon became shadows in the fierce torrent that shook the windows of Celine’s house. Yelling became screaming, and in the heat of our verbal war… I… I lost my temper. She collapsed like a piñata but nothing sweet came out of this. Her stunned eyes hurt more then words… more then fists… God, I’d rather be taken in by the cops and beaten black and blue then look into those big, shocked eyes any longer. With a whirlwind of frustration and guilt, I ran without saying a word, and was soon flying down the roads, away from her, towards the hills…

    And here I am, still flying away from that whirlwind, but never far enough to escape the roaring pain. Celine… My family… Who do I trust? Where do I go? Do I have to make a choice? Godamnit! Leave me alone! Everyone! Just…. Just leave me alone… I don’t need anyone. No one.

    This is it… Wha? What the? I never seen the curve ‘til it was way too late…What curve? THAT CURVE!! At that moment, my bike slams into the guardrail, which rips like wet paper. There is no ground underneath me. For a moment, I’m flying. I’m actually flying. My life soars with me like a flash before my eyes. The moment is short, and soon that ground rushes back. Me and my bike slam into the ground, the cracking of my bones mixing with the crunching of my bike. We are one. We are broken…shattered. My bike is on fire. I’m cold… so, bitterly cold. I’m dying. I’m actually dying. Do you hear that? It sounds like the ringing of a bell. No. The tolling of a bell.

    A shadow appears. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know who this stranger is. “re…Reaper” I’m surprised I could make any sound at all. You, like many others, Have a choice. Death echoed within my mind. You can stay with your body, but your life will never be the same. You can leave your body, and wonder this earth as you see fit. Or, you can come with me.

    It didn’t need to explain the third option any further. Somehow, I knew I already made my decision. I’ll leave. Family, life, body, world…Celine… gone. The board wiped clean; a completely different afterlife ahead of me. I don’t need anyone. No one.

    With that, the reaper comes forward, and rips my soul right out of my body. Too late to change my mind now. As I fly away, I look back at my abandoned body. The last thing I see is my heart… still beating…. Celine. It repeats her name with every pound. Celine, Celine, Celine… I broke out of my body and now flying away….


    Like a bat out of hell…. A wild smile breaks upon my lips. No one will ever believe this! If you come back to life your death flashes before your eyes! Laughter rolls out of me uncontrollably. Just then we; Bane and I, breach the final boarder and break through the earth itself. As the dirt flies off, the air hits me. Real air. It’s cool, but not cold, and it moves. It’s alive, just like the rest of this world. Oh, how you forget the simple pleasures of life! When you’re alive, you take advantage of the wonders life has to offer, and when you’re dead… only the knowledge of a better world exists. That, and Celine. I take in the scene before me. The sun is nearly gone… if I’m lucky, I’ll have only one night to find her. The trees are nearly naked. Fall. I remember the seasons. I’m starting to remember many things now. I guess I didn’t forget after all. I’m surrounded by stones. Gravestones. It’s the local cemetery of my city, which means…

    I get off Bane who waits patiently, motor purring. Behind me I see the gaping hole left in the earth from our arrival. Behind it is another gravestone:

    Jack Barton
    1963-1985
    May he find peace
    And love​

    So that’s my real name! No wonder why I changed it to Wolf. My eye wonders back to the hole; if I searched it, would I find hell, or my own coffin? Before my mind could answer, I turn back to the present situation. The sun is gone. Celine is somewhere in this city. And I’m… human? I pat myself down as if searching for a wallet. No horns, no wings, no freakish tail, no armor-like skin, no freaky talons, wait…. no body heat… and no pulse. Oh well, I could be worse for wear. At least people won’t go running in fear. Satisfied, I get back on Bane, he kicks into high gear, and we’re off. Flying down the roads once again, soaring towards Celine.


    A little white house in the middle of a suburban street. There are small stones lining the tree in front of the house. Stones perfect for throwing at a second-story window. She is lying asleep in her bed. I’m sure of it. The dam of my mind has shattered, and memory crashes against me like a tidal wave. Good times, bad times, but not all times. Just of her. May he with sin….

    Tick.

    Another, she’s not a deep sleeper, but she hates getting out of bed.

    Click.

    One more.

    Clack.

    I see movement. A white shadow in a black void. The window opens. There she is! She’s… She’s as beautiful as ever! True, she’s a little older, but not by much. I still don’t know how many years I spent in hell, but I could have sworn it was more then this. She searches the grounds. Her eyes land on me, and widen instantly. A gasp escapes her perfect lips. She speaks.

    “J….Jack?”

    I smile. It feels so strange. When was the last time I smiled out of kindness? Do I look awkward to her? Say something godammit.

    “Hello angel.”

    She disappears. Either she’s calling the cops, or running down the stairs. My bet is on the latter… In less then a second I find out I’m right. She is still in her white nightgown, her feet bare on the dew soaked grass. She looks like she has seen a ghost… or is a ghost. Her last few steps toward me are measured, and unsure. She is only a foot away from me when she stops. Thanks to the moonlight, her face is a mixture of glowing light and shadows. She is breathing deeply, whether it’s from the exhaustion, or anxiety, is impossible to tell. Maybe both.

    “Jack?” She whispers breathlessly. An arm reaches up cautiously, as if to unveil the mysterious mask upon a nightmare’s face. “It… It can’t be. I saw you…” I couldn’t wait any longer. The gap between us disappears, I hold her tightly. Her lips are so warm against mine. I feel as if I can melt on the spot. It’s been so long. Celine… So long… I finally let go.

    “I…” she takes a step back. “I saw them… bury you.” She is shaking. Afraid. What did I expect? I died! I was buried! She has every right to be afraid. As far as she knows, I am a ghost. Unfortunately, she’s not too far off.

    “Hey.” I whisper to her, like to a scared child. “It’s okay.” I hold in her in a comforting embrace, her hands reach up in front of her face, they turn into tiny fists as they grasp the zipper of my leather jacket. “It’s okay. You’re not going crazy. I’m here. I’m really here. But… you’re right. I did pass on.” She looks up at me with large, frightened eyes… the last time is seen those eyes… “Don’t worry baby, I… I went to a good place.” Lie, and such a lie. But what else am I to say? Sure baby! I broke out of the pits of hell to pay you a visit! It’s okay, they’ll just add an eternity to my sentence, that’s all. Hardly. “I just… I just wanted to see you again, that’s all.” She lowers her head, and places it against my chest.

    “But what about heaven?”

    “What about it?”

    “Won’t they…?

    “Look.” I hold her carefully, firmly by the shoulders, and look directly into her eyes. “Heaven can wait.”

    And hell is searching.
     
  4. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

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    Oh hey, I'll get to this, but at I have to do some homework first, so it might be a little later tonight or tomorrow.
     
  5. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    Wow, you're fast when it comes to replies Dephere, i didn't even have time to paste the rest!

    and.. ah, I see what u mean. I'll have to change that to singular... ty.
     
  6. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

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    Okay, I'm here...sorry for the delay and now let's get this started.

    You saw my review for "The Trial", so you pretty much know how I work. I'll point out some things and then I'll give you an overall. All comments are my honest opinions and are all meant to be helpful.

    Oh....I have problems with this opening. Not because of the thought or idea, but because of the immense understatement and lack of originality here. Anyone can say "hell sucks", while writers should be capturing the true "suckiness" (yes, I know it's not a word :p). "Suck" seemed to be a huge pitfall, in my opinion.

    lol. I liked that line, it was interesting and something new to think about.

    Should be "than"...

    I guess you've decided to go with a very informal tone with your story, so "sucks" fits much better than I previously thought, but it would have been a turn off for me.

    Maybe "The torturing"...it seems to work a little better, but it's your choice.

    I don't think that's possible....but since it's hell I'll just ignore it. :D

    I'm starting to enjoy this light hearted tone.

    I'm not a big fan of repetitions, in fact I have come to hate it, but even I fall victum to its whims. lol. I'd get rid of the repetition, but it's your choice.

    Should be "or"...

    Seems like a contrived little solution to the problem of escape....lol. I urge you to come up with something a little more innovative, other than my cell door was left open for some strange reason. :D

    Get rid of "the"...

    OH, I like that!

    Should be "my bike and I"...tsk tsk, falling for the oldest trick in the book. ;)

    Does that mean she exploded too? hehe...No, but really, this was another one of those lines I liked.

    Should be "saw"...

    TWICE?! *gasp* ;) Same as last time.

    More repetition that you could do without.

    Should be "than"...

    Okay....onto the overall.

    I was impressed by the smooth flow and the way it moved from one sentence to the other. At first I was a bit skeptic, not sure I'd take a liking to this story, but I ended up enjoying. You carried me through with your casual tone and the way you set up the structure; however, in the middle it did seem to drag a little. Only for a little though and it picked up pretty quick again.

    I liked it....the things I did catch were little things, easily fixed and some maybe even typos.

    Nice job!
     
  7. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    :D ty!!!!!
    I think you'll just have to suffer with the "me and my bike" thing. I find it more personal for Jack. As for the rest, I'll take it into careful consideration and fix those odds and ends later.

    thanks again!
     
  8. Dephere

    Dephere New Member

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    No problem, it was a pleasure. And feel free to ignore any pieces you'd like, they are all only opinions. Authors must always make the final call.
     
  9. Running Wolf

    Running Wolf Join the Madness

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    Ok... that's pretty good!!!!
    I read it and well... I read it slowly, cause I'm not native English speaker, but, oh wonder, I understood all and it was really a flowing piece of text. (can u say it like this? I guess not...)
    I really like, it's really a good first part and a new I idea I haven't read before...

    So, Dephere took the critiques, I just want to add one thing:
    In the first part you describe very good the feeling and all that, but I miss the describtion of the surrounding in the second part...
    I don't know, I like it, when words paint little picturs, I missed it a bit.

    But as I said: Really a great story, I'll read on!
     
  10. Nizati

    Nizati ShadowDagger

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    ty Running Wolf! and thanks for reading my story! maybe I'll post the second half some day.