A Vampyre Stole My Heart

Discussion in 'Fan Poetry' started by forgotten_soul, Jun 8, 2006.

  1. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    A Vampyre Stole My Heart

    I see you coming,
    Coming to get me.
    I want to stay,
    But I want to flee.

    Your vampyric charisma,
    Keeps me still.
    Holding me down,
    Against half of my will.

    You take me by the hand,
    And lead me through the dark.
    Not saying a word,
    As we pass through the park.

    We stop in an alley,
    And you push me against a wall.
    Your fangs slide down,
    But you start to stall.

    I can see the hesitation,
    Burning deep within your eyes.
    You try to hide it from me,
    As you look up towards the skies.

    I've only known you an hour,
    And yet you've stolen my heart.
    Your hesitation makes me feel,
    As though my life's been torn apart.

    I ask you what's the matter,
    But you pull away.
    I take your hands in mine,
    And beg for you to stay.

    I beg you to remain,
    With me for all eternity.
    You tell me that you can't,
    But I love you don't you see?

    "I never thought I'd fall in love,
    With someone who's like you."
    I cry as I finish talking,
    And you ask what you can do.

    I shrug my shoulders,
    As you wipe a tear.
    "I know what I'll do,
    I'll hold you near.

    "I'll whisper 'I love you',
    And kiss you tenderly.
    I'll make you a Vampyre,
    And hold you for eternity."

    You bend your head,
    To take a drink,
    And as you do,
    I begin to think.

    Of all the times,
    I'll spend with you,
    And the special time,
    When I'll say "I do."

    And now I can brag,
    To all the worlds apart,
    As I call to the skies,
    "A Vampyre stole my heart!"
     
  2. Zanven

    Zanven Cult Classic Connoisseur

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    I don't like it. What the hell is a Vampyre anyway? i might be out of date in Vampire fashion, I'm old skool Anne Rice style when it comes to them. And you can't have "Harry Potter Lover" in your title then write about your erotic S&M experiences with a Vampyre...
     
  3. Wing Rider

    Wing Rider Psychotic Cybernetica

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    I almost forgot about this...a Vampyre is supposed to mean a Vampire, also known as a Vampyr, which I think are the lesser forms of the evil blood-sucking creatures. The poem's not bad but the technique is: there is really no such thing as "vampyric charisma", not even "vampiric charisma" because the phrase is a contradiction. Also there is not much description (not that you need any, but in this kind of poem theme you probably need a bit more than simple words stuck together).
    And you don't always have to rhyme. "Tenderly" and "eternity" don't rhyme in any case. If you want to talk about vampires, be a bit more gory about it. :balrog:
     
  4. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    fine critique it all you want but i wrote it and i don't care what any of you think. I like it so get over it.
     
  5. Wing Rider

    Wing Rider Psychotic Cybernetica

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    Then there might not have been much point in posting it :D
    But it's constructive criticism.
     
  6. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    true but i post them because i don't like to keep my poems to myself and this way many people can read them. yes it was very constructive criticisim but not very sensitive. I get hurt easily. Very easily.
     
  7. Wing Rider

    Wing Rider Psychotic Cybernetica

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    You do? Pity, pity...
     
  8. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    yes i do and yes it's a pity i wish it was different but it's not.
     
  9. Darkfantasyvamp

    Darkfantasyvamp New Member

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    this poem is nice
     
  10. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    thanks Darkfantasyvamp
     
  11. FangOfTheBasilisk

    FangOfTheBasilisk New Member

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    I like it alot. The description is thorough and allows the reader to see what you're describing very vividly. Very good rhythm throughout the poem, and the rhymes are cleverly written. I'd like to see more of your works posted here.
     
  12. Borael

    Borael Prophet of Arka

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    Hey don't let anyone het to you. Just keep writing your poetry the way you like it. If you let people tell you that you can't then you wont. i personally liked the first part but it matters more if you like it not others. There is a difference between constructive critisism and just plain being mean. So keep writing!
     
  13. forgotten_soul

    forgotten_soul Harry Potter Lover

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    since at least 2 people liked this one i will post another one soon thanks you two.
     
  14. Darkfantasyvamp

    Darkfantasyvamp New Member

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    I love vampiric poetry! thats right keep posting forgotten soul
     
  15. BBallForLife

    BBallForLife New Member

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    I thought it was pretty good. You should post more.