A Time for Sorrows

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Jager, Sep 26, 2003.

  1. Jager

    Jager New Member

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    First thread!

    Figured Id start the first thread in here. I wrote this story awhile back at school. Tell me what yall think.

    A Time for Sorrows

    Otto Ballantine sat there basking in the warm sun. It was a beautiful day on the planet of Brevia. Mostly far away from the troubles of the industrial worlds of the Imperial Human Empire, Brevia was a peaceful agricultural planet with most of the population being farmers.

    Otto Ballantine was a sixteen-year-old farmer boy. He lived with his father, Sherman, and his mother, Olivia, on a small farm about 5 miles from Brevia’s only city, Buganville. He had thick dark brown hair that he wore cropped short against the head in an effort stay cool. Thin, with dark skin from the hard labor of farming, Otto was the object of desire for many of the local girls – but only one held his heart. Her name was Nasha Gayvard and she was beautiful. She had long blonde hair that fell softly around what his mother called a “baby face.”

    Otto lay there with Nasha resting her head on his chest. He gently ran his fingers through her hair and thought this is the life.
    “Nasha,” he said.
    “Yes?” she answered.
    “Will you be with me forever?”
    Nasha picked her head up and looked at Otto.
    “What brought up that question?”
    “Because I love you.”
    “Oh, well,” she said playfully, “of course I’ll be with you forever.”
    Nasha then smiled and Otto kissed her deeply, running his hand across her soft face as she shivered like she did every time he did that.

    All of a sudden there was a loud crack and what sounded like thunder. Otto broke the kiss and looked up to the sky. It looked like the sky was being ripped to pieces by some unseen force. But Otto knew what was happening – Brevia was under orbital attack. He had read of past wars and distant battles and knew he was hearing the sound energy weapons made when they split the atmosphere as the made their way down from the sky.

    Things that looked like small, rapidly moving clouds began to descend from the sky. The clouds soon dissipated revealing Grom dropships. The Grom were a lizard-like race, with long, very strong legs, short tails, long, thin arms and a tough, scaly skin. Their faces had long snouts that concealed razor sharp teeth. All though they were not as technologically advanced as some of the other races, the Grom made up for this in brute strength, sheer determination and overwhelming numbers.

    Otto grabbed Nasha’s hand and screamed “C’mon! We have to get back to my house!” The two of them began to run as fast as their legs would allow them to. Already they could see the missiles being fired at the descending ships by the planetary defense forces. Long trails of white smoke screeched upwards towards the incoming ships. Many missed their targets but some hit the ships, exploding them into balls of fire. Otto and Nasha could already hear the crackle of machine gun fire and the snap of laser and energy weapons.

    All of a sudden a pair of Grom fighters came into view. They saw Otto and Nasha and began to fire at them. The ground around them began to kick up. Otto tripped on a rock and fell, Nasha falling beside him. They lay there until the fighters flew away in search of more helpless humans to kill. Otto got up and then noticed that Nasha didn’t. “Get up, they are gone.” He said to her, but she didn’t respond. He turned her over and her chest was a mess of blood and flesh. She was dead.

    “NOOOOOOOO!” screamed Otto.

    He fell onto her lifeless body crying. Then after a few minutes he got up and kissed her forehead. He looked into her precious face and said “I will avenge you my dear Nasha.” And headed home again.


    Moving as if he was hunting, Otto stole through the woods near his house. He heard engines again. But these didn’t sound like the fighters head had heard before. These were dropships. They landed in a clearing, dropped off their cargo of Grom troopers and began to lift off again. One didn’t make it because a shoulder launched missile (SLM) hit and it exploded. Otto said a silent prayer of praise to the Lord. Suddenly he heard the sound of soldiers exchanging gunfire. The Grom soldiers must have stumbled across a group of human defenders and they had engaged each other.

    Finally Otto made it to the clearing of farmland near his house. He sat and waited for a few minutes to make sure it was safe to cross the open fields. When he judged it to be safe, he ran like he had never run before and made it to the house, screamed the password and ran in the door, slamming it behind him. While running across he had noticed the areas of the fields had craters and were smoking.

    “Mom! Dad! Are you here?” Otto yelled.
    “I’m here son,” yelled Otto’s father, Sherman.
    “Where are you?”
    “In my room.”

    Otto ran upstairs and into his parent’s room. His father was in his hunting gear and stood with his rifle in hand.
    “What are you doing and where is mom?”
    “She’s dead son”
    “NOO! Not mom too! AHHH!” Frustrated and angrier than he had ever been before, he punched a whole into the wall.
    “Nasha is dead also?”
    “Yes.” Said Otto, now sobbing.
    “Your mother was out in the fields when the orbital bombardment started. I couldn’t find much left of her.”
    “Nasha was strafed by Grom fighters. What are we going to do?”
    “They were broadcasting over the comments before they went off air that shuttles are waiting at the spaceport in town. We are going to be on one of those shuttles and we are getting off this planet. Get your gear and let’s go.”

    Otto ran into his room and put on his hunting gear, grabbing his rifle as he ran to meet his father at the back door. The two of them began to work their way to town. Buganville was a good 5 miles away from the Ballantine’s farm. They worked their way slowly. Otto would ran 20 or so yards and stop, listen for any sounds close by and then signal his father to move past him 20 yards or so. They repeated this until they were about 2 miles from the city. They could hear heavy fighting. The human rifles fired at much faster rate than those of the Grom, making it easy to distinguish who was firing. They could also smell the ozone that was discharged from the energy and laser weapons. Also they noticed that not as many missiles where being fired from the city. The defenders were running out of them. The Grom took advantage of this and began to pour in fighters and bombers onto the city. By the time Otto and Sherman reached the outskirts of the city much of it was rubble.

    From this spot they could see the ground battle between the human defenders and the Grom invaders. The humans were fighting hard but it was a losing battle. They were just trying to hold off the Grom long enough to load the shuttles and get off the planet.

    A human soldier fired a heavy lascannon at a group of Grom and cut them to pieces; but his victory was short lived. A Grom rocket propelled grenade (RPG) hit the basement window the human was firing from, silencing him. A platoon of Grom scouts were working their way down an alley trying to find a weak spot in the human lines but most were killed when two Crowfoot heavy battle tanks fired at them with their bolt cannons. The tanks then sped down the alley and came up behind the Grom. Firing at point blank range the human tanks slaughtered the crudely made Grom tanks. The tanks then hurried back to get back to the human lines. This created a gap in the Grom lines. Otto and Sherman noticed this and went for it. They charged across. Some of the humans noticed them and started giving them covering fire. Suddenly Sherman’s leg exploded in a fury of blood, flesh, and bone. He fell to the ground screaming but didn’t scream for long as the Grom rittled his body with bolt fire. Otto started to head back to get his father, but decided against it since he knew his father was dead. He turned back around and ran for the human lines. Otto dove into the trench.

    A medic, his face caked with dirt and blood, crawled over to Otto checked him out. “You look fine son,” he said and then moved down the line as someone yelled for a medic.
    “That weapon fire, boy?” asked a soldier, a patch over his right eye.
    “Yea, why?” replied Otto.
    “Kill something with it then.”

    Otto stood up and placed his rifle on the lip of the trench. Looking through the scope, he could see the Grom firing from the hip as they ran toward the human lines. Many were hit by the accurate human fire and fell in a mist of green blood. But there were just too many of them and they made it to the human lines. Otto saw the flash of cold hard steel as both humans and Grom pulled out their knives and swords in preparation for the hand-to-hand combat. Once again the humans killed many of the Grom due to better training but the Grom simply overwhelmed the humans and ripped them to shreds with their crude and rusted blades.

    The soldier next to Otto began to shake his head and hit the side of his helmet. He then yelled “That’s it! The Grom have broken through! Everyone to the shuttles.” Every human at once jumped up and began to run toward the spaceport to get on one of the shuttles. Many humans were killed between the protection of the trenches and the spaceport.

    When the few survivors made it the spaceport there were only two shuttles left. Otto ran up the ramp of one just as it was closing and lifting off. He sat down in a seat and looked out the window. He saw the other shuttle exploded as a Grom SLM hit it. He also watched in horror as the Grom began to eat the humans, the dead and alive. It was then that Otto realized that everything he had known and loved was no more.
     
  2. Tinuviel

    Tinuviel New Member

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    Oh, poor Otto. Great story though. If you are looking for a critique, read on. If not, stop here. ;)

    I think that if you went back and added more description, paying careful attention to capture the mind's eye of the reader. Give them enough to visualize everything, from Berivia itself to the characters and their clothing. Also, a bit of history may help the reader feel more involved. :)

    All in all, a good read and a unique and intriguing storyline. :banana: :banana:
     
  3. Radagast

    Radagast Art House Member

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    The plot is incredible: it is quick paced and full of drama/emotion. There are a couple grammatical errors in the writing that I noticed, but I don't wanna be too picky with it. I would agree with Tin and say that if you tried to describe the culture more it would help the story out.

    But good story *thumbs up*. Any plans for more of Otto?
     
  4. Cheesy Goodness

    Cheesy Goodness The Fighters Guide House Member

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    not a bad story...not a bad story at all

    i realize it was supposed to be a short story, and not too long, but try to get a little bit more character development, and your stories will go places