A Strange Tripe To The Ultimate Universe

[I. R. Shogun]

Short short story based on a conversation between me and a few buddies last year.



Clint stared across the table at Shaun, the two of them bore their teeth as the tension mounted. Their intensity was unlike any they'd ever displayed before, Clint's eyes narrowed, Shaun's followed suit. The sweat began to bead on their foreheads as this battle of wills continued. Suddenly their concentration broke as Justin flung his pop bottle at Shaun, hitting him between the eyes and causing him to blink.

"Success! Once more I am the champion!" Clint shouted as Shaun began to throttle Justin.

"No freakin way that was interference and you know it!" Shaun said as Justin broke his grip.

"Well I'm glad that's over, I gotta poop real bad," said Matt as he got off of the couch and headed up stairs. The four of them had been there for three hours and had unsurprisingly gotten very little done. It was too early for antics, none of them had the same classes, and the neighbor kids weren't home. This made the third staring contest championship they'd had that day, and until one of them broke down and found the battery packs for Justin's controllers there would be no video games.

So there they sat, doing whatever they could to make the boredom less overpowering. Clint, the angry quiet guy who almost always carried a blade. Shaun, the tall pale skinny one with the dirtiest mind by a narrow margin, and an expert in making people mad. Justin, the technical leader of the outfit with the most self glorifying and sometimes obnoxious personality. And Matt, the comic relief, he wasn't the smartest of the four of them, but he seemed to know everyone on earth and he was the most humorous of the lot, partly due to his hard partying lifestyle. They'd been pals since middle school, and they'd had some crazy adventures, but none of them compared to the one they were about to embark on.

Just as Matt disappeared around the corner to go back upstairs a single point of brilliant light appeared in the center of the room. The three of them were dazed, but there was no time to react. The light grew brighter and the point itself became larger until it enveloped them and the room completely. When their vision returned they found nothing seemed out of place. They exchanged general glances of "What the hell?" expressions, unable to speak until they heard a rumbling from up stairs.

Footfalls were clearly heard that shook the earth as someone proceeded down the stairs. As he rounded the corner the speechlessness of surprise that had existed between the three of them was now replaced with a speechlessness of terror. It appeared to be Matt, but this man was far...... larger. He was extremely muscle bound, so much so that no shirt could hope to hold him. He had long tassels tied around his biceps and his knee pads which he now inexplicably wore. His hair, previously kept in a slicked back mohawk was now long all over and unkempt, giving him a wild appearance. Around his waist was a massive gold belt that covered his chiseled abs. Most fearsome about him was his face paint. It was arranged like a masquerade party mask, but it was pointed along his cheeks.

His eyes seemed to burn a hole into their souls as he stared at each of them. When he spoke they could feel their bodies tremble as his voice, no more than a terrifying roar, escaped his chest. "JUSTIN! CLINT! SHAUN! WHAT KIND OF OUTLANDISH FARCE IS THIS?! WHERE ARE YOUR BELTS!? YOUR GLORIOUS TITLE BELTS WON ON THE FIELDS OF GLORY AGAINST ARMIES AND ARMIES OF MIGHTY FOES LIKE YOURSELVES WHO WERE DESCENDED FROM PROVIDENCE?! WHERE ARE THE MUSCLES, THE GLORIOUS MUSCLES, WE WORKED SO HARD TO CULTIVATE THAT ONCE MADE YOUR FORMS NEARLY AS UNSPEAKABLY PHENOMENAL AS MY OWN? MAKING THE THREE OF US APPEAR IN THE IMAGE OF ADONIS HIMSELF?! BY THE HEAVENS AND ALL THE EONS I HAVE TRANSCENDED I HAVE NEVER WITNESSED A TRANSFORMATION SO FLABBERGASTING AS THIS BEFORE ME! HAVE THE OTHER WARRIORS ALL TRULY VANISHED FROM THIS EARTH?! SPEAK NOW MY BROTHERS, TELL ME WHAT SORCERY HAS RENDERED YOU SO FRAIL AS THE COMMON MEN, BE IT MERE TRICKERY OR SOMETHING FAR MORE SINISTER...."

Justin, Clint, and Shaun all exchanged glances, unsure of how to respond to the mighty behemoth that now stood before them. Normally this would be where Justin took the helm, but he was unable to speak. Shaun was similarly afflicted, but of the three of them Clint was able to speak. He'd spent his entire life a fan of the exploits of characters portrayed by pro wrestlers, and as such he knew just what this version of Matt was capable, and more importantly, how to speak his language. "Hail warrior Matt, you are worthy of your belt to deduce that something is amiss here. Would you tell us brother, what events preceded your coming down the portal to the surface world to meet us here in this, our Ultimate Lair."

"BROTHER SURELY A TERROR BEYOND COMPREHENSION HAS AFFLICTED YOU FOR YOU TO HAVE NOT ONLY LOST YOUR ULTIMATE POWERS, BUT ALSO TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT TITANIC STARING CLASH YOU AND SHAUN HAD MERE MOMENTS AGO BEFORE THE GODS SUMMONED ME TO SEND THE INHABITANTS OF MY BOWELS ON A VERY UN-ULTIMATE JOURNEY!! TWENTY SEVEN CHAIR SHOTS EACH AND STILL NEITHER OF YOU BROKE YOUR GAZE, HAD NOT BROTHER JUSTIN FLICKED A MIGHTY BEAD OF SWEAT FROM HIS ONCE GLORIOUS LOCKS INTO SHAUN'S EYE BEYOND HIS INTENTION STILL WOULD ALL THE WORLD TREMBLE AT YOUR MOST EPIC OF STARING WARS!" shouted Ulti-Matt in reply.

Clint considered this, it seemed that they had been doing more or less the same thing in this reality as they had in their home universe. Judging by the way Ulti-Matt referred to them they were built similarly to him in this reality, he wondered what else was different about this universe. "Very good brother, then my memory has been left in tact by the gods of the countless ages from which you are descended. At least to that point. But I must inquire, who among out many enemies do you think would be capable of stealing from us our ultimate power?"

Ulti-Matt pondered this for a moment, then yelled again, "BROTHER SURELY YOU REMEMBER THAT WE, THE WARRIORS HAVE NUMEROUS ENEMIES THAT WOULD SEEK TO DESTROY US AS WE ARE ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN THEM AND THE TOTAL ELIMINATION OF THE SPIRITED BUT PUNY MORTALS OF THE REALM. HOWEVER AMONG THEM ALL THERE ARE FEW CAPABLE OF SUCH A HEINOUS ACT. fEW BEING RELATIVE OF COARSE AS THERE ARE SO MANY ENEMIES WHO WOULD RALLY THE FORCES OF THE DARK POWERS AGAINST US THAT STILL NAMING ONLY THE ONES WITH THE ENDOWMENT OF THE EVIL GODS TO ROB ONES SUCH AS US OF OUR MIGHTY BELTS AND BY PROXY OUR POWERS AS WARRIORS WOULD STILL TAKE THREE DAYS TIME IN ANYTHING BUT ULTIMATE SPEAK, WHICH WOULD WOULD NOT BE CAPABLE OF USING IN THIS FORM YOU CURRENTLY INHABIT. TELL ME MY COMRADE, DO YOU POSSESS ANY OTHER CLUES THAT MAY ALLOW ME TO DEDUCE THE CULPRIT OF THIS HEINOUS ACT THAT WE MAY WORK TO RETURN YOU TO YOUR NORMAL ULTIMATE SELVES?!"

Clint turned to Justin and Shaun, did that have any other leads? They knew that certainly none of them had ever looked anything like Ulti-Matt did. But what else was there to go on? They thought on this for several moments, each passing painfully slow as they considered everything that had happened. Matt had gone upstairs and suddenly there'd been that flash and they'd ended up here. Finally they decided they had to tell Ulti-Matt, or else they'd never be able to get home.

"I must apologize mighty warrior, but I haven't been entirely honest with you. You see, we three were never warriors such as yourself. We come from an alternate version of your reality where all four of us are mere mortals, no more mighty than a common human. A strange burning ball of light appeared shortly after the version of you from our dimension went upstairs for the same purposes you did. This is as good a lead as we have," said Clint.

Again Ulti-Matt considered this, his eyes narrowed as he decided there was only one person that could be responsible for this. "MY FRIENDS THIS IS TRULY A DANGEROUS SITUATION! THERE IS ONLY ONE FOE WE HAVE FACED IN THIS REALITY CAPABLE OF SUCH A TERRIBLE CRIME AGAINST REALITY! I HAVE BEATEN HIM BEFORE, BUT NEVER WITHOUT THE HELP OF THIS REALITY'S VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES! OUR ONLY HOPE TO RESTORE BALANCE IS FOR ME TO DISTRACT HIM WHILE THE THREE OF YOU PROCEED BACK TO YOUR HOME UNIVERSE, REALITY SHOULD CORRECT ITSELF BY SENDING THE ULTIMATE VERSIONS OF YOU BACK TO GLORIOUS BATTLE TO ASSIST ME IN SEALING AWAY THE FIEND WHO PERPETRATED THIS DIABOLICALLY INGENIOUS DEED! WE MUST MAKE HASTE, FOR EVEN NOW SURLY HIS EVIL MECHANIZATIONS ARE IN MOTION SETTING IN PLACE A TERRIBLE PLOT TO CONQUER THE WORLD WHILE ONLY ONE WARRIOR IS CAPABLE OF OPPOSING HIM! COME FRIENDS, THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE!"

The three of them left quickly, but upon hitting the street they soon realized there was no way Clint, Justin, and Shaun would be able to follow Ulti-Matt in his preferred mode of travel, running. By the time they had made it two houses down he'd already reached the end of the street. Turning he saw the three of them far behind, it seemed this was going to be a very intense workout indeed. He ran back and picked the three of them up and then began running again, his speed not seeming hindered at all by their additional weight. And so they clung to him, not wanting to be left behind as Ulti-Matt made his way toward the sinister lair of Dr. Shango Savage.

However Savage was clever, and had been watching the meeting with keen interest. "Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhh, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It seems as if mah enumees have oooooowwwwwwlllllllllreeady seen through mah diabolical plaaaaayyyyyuuuuuunns. Well then eyut seem ah must prepayer mah defenses to give theyum a welcome appropriate of one of mah stayuture! Guards, prepayer for beattle! Oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" the orders were sent out to all corners of his base and his army prepared to fight the one man war machine that was Ulti-Matt.

Soon enough Ulti-Matt arrived with Shaun, Justin, and Clint all in tow. Faced with the army before him he clearly felt some worry come from the three he carried. But for Ulti-Matt this was home, the battlefield was where he belonged. And so despite the sheer numbers stacked against him he wasn't worried. He had overcome similar odds to these before, and so he would again here. He simply had to be careful to make sure that the three others stayed in one piece. And so he spoke to them in the shortest sentance he'd ever said in his life, two words, "HOLD ON!!!!!"

With that once more Ulti-Matt dashed towards his enemies. The first battalion he encountered was easily scattered upon the simple sight of his face paint. A tank unit tested it's luck only to find him to fast to lock onto, even when they could succeed it was part of Matt's design. He moved at the last moment, causing them to blast each other to pieces. Grenediers, special ops, tanks, planes, helicopters, all came for him, but it was all in vein. Ulti-Matt tore through their steel like tin foil, stopped their bullets with leisurely motions of one hand. All that came quickly found themselves in ruin against his might, until a loud evil laugh filled the air.

The four of them looked up to see none other than Dr. Shango Savage, "Ooooooooooohhhhh, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! So ah see you hayuv made it through mah defenses! Weyll let us see if ah cayunt provahd a more suitable chayulunge!" The ground beneath Ulti-Matt exploded as Savage sent a blast their way. Only through a feat of ultimate gymnastics was he able to save them all from landing in a way that would kill Shaun, Justin, and Clint. Matt had battled this villain before, but he knew there would be no chance of him felling the evil doctor if he had to watch out for the three mortals that hung off of him. With a flick of his wrist he launched the three of them toward Savage's lab with just enough force not to break their bones, they could explore it's interior until they found the device that would send them home, which would be made easier since Savage labaled all of his sinister machines so he could keep track of what all of them did. The fight was now on.

Matt leapt into the air, swinging a powerful fist to clash with Savage's mighty mirrored sunglasses. But the power of the glasses was too great, Matt's hand merely bounced off, allowing Savage to deliver a mighty kick to his head, sending him tumbling back down toward the earth. Matt hit the ground with a thud, and was soon hit again by a mighty elbow drop from the sky from Savage. Matt managed to break free of any follow up attacks and landed a clubbing blow to the back of his foe. The two titanic powers clashed for some time, but soon Matt was on the losing end. Savage was stronger now than he'd ever been, and faced with only one warrior there seemed to be no hope of defeating him. Suddenly, when all hope seemed lost there was a brilliant white flash.

Before Savage could land a killing elbow he was caught by the massive hand of none other, than Ultimate Clint. Savage was stunned, but quickly swung to attack the returning hero. However he soon found himself set up for and hit with the mighty Gorilla Press Slam. After being held above Clint's head and then dropped Savage was rattled, but not as much as he was by the two tanks that hit him from both sides after having been tossed by Shaun and Justin. The battle continued this way for only one minute before the four ultimates had defeated Savage, proving that even when a man could fight a warrior, no one was a match for four Ultimate Warriors! With balance restored to the cosmos they returned home, knowing that their normal world counterparts had done the same.


In the normal world....

Clint, Shaun and Justin had been searching the house, or what was left of it, for twenty minutes with no sign of Matt. When they'd finally given up hope they heard the toilet flush, followed shortly by Matt walking out of the toilet. He looked dazedly at the destroyed walls of the house, then to the others. "Dang, all the noise was coming from out here? I thought there was something wrong with me!"

[Firiath]

What an unexpected ending. But, rofl, where are the muscles, the glorious muscles?
I'll never forget that question.

XD


btw... omgwtflol, what was wrong with Dr. Shango Savage?

[I. R. Shogun]

His name was inspired by pro wrestling characters Papa Shango, a voodoo witch doctor who at one point placed a curse of The Ultimate Warrior, and the Macho Man Randy Savage, on whom his speech patterns are based.

[Firiath]

lol Those speech patterns were/are extremely fascinating - and a lot of fun to read. Seems like quite an interesting character.

[I. R. Shogun]

he had one of the most interesting wresling personas of the 80's, so much so that he more or less exists anew in the form of "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal on TNA, which is basically wrestler Jay Lethal doing a fairly spot on Savage impression

[Dragn9]

Originally Posted by I. R. Shogun

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhh, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

- my thoughts exactly...lol, the madness was runnin' wild. You captured the essence that is Savage perfectly. Some of those lines were priceless, and very clever inserting his trade mark sunglasses.."but the power of the glasses was to great"...it’s true, it’s true, they were awesome.

Overall I must say that was an interesting conversation you guys had....

[I. R. Shogun]

yeah, I don't think I quite did the Warrior justice though but this is something I've been meaning to write for a while now